Twilight is lame.

Morning. I'll get to the list break down tomorrow. Right now I'd like to review the two Twilight books I read and try to regain any respect you once had for me which you lost immediately upon learning that I read not one but two of these horrific teen girl lollipop novels.

First off, you should know that one of the things I have learned in the past couple years or so is that popular doesn't necessarily mean bad. I am by nature kind of a snob when it comes to popular things, as in "if it's popular it probably sucks." As of late I have been proven wrong by: No Country For Old Men, Juno, Amy Winehouse, Cold Play, Harry Potter, and Anne Rice novels (her pre born-again Christian ones that is). Side note - I really hope Ms. Winehouse gets her shit together and doesn't die, she really is a great talent. However I hesitate buying any of her music because I don't want to directly contribute funds to a young woman's death by drug overdose.

Upon reading and throughly enjoying Harry Potter and The Interview With the Vampire series after avoiding them like a plague for years - even though people told me I would really enjoy them, I figured hey I like vampires even though these are super popular books, why the hell not. Dudes. Horrible does not begin to describe these books. When I was reading the first one - Twiglight I was actually embarrassed to be reading it. You know how you feel when your significant other catches you watching some truly horrible TV show, like a Lifetime movie or The Girls Next Door? Yeah, it felt like that. If Mike could see what I was reading, he would have teased me unmercifully for days. And here's why:

1. Writing is very simplistic and cheezy.
2. Has a very lame romance novel tone and feel, yet no sex at all.
3. Soooooo sloooow. Could have been about half as long.
4. Plot holes you can drive a truck through.
5. Worst dialog I have ever read.

Wow. That's really shitty right? Yeah. It was. So shitty in fact when I finished the first one I sat right down and wrote my own vampire novel, because if this shit can sell....But wait- you are thinking to yourself - didn't you say you read TWO of these shitbombs? Yeah I did. I have used the following metaphor to explain my lack of judgment to a couple of my people "These books are like Easter Peeps, they are sickly sweet, mostly air, and leave a nasty taste in your mouth. You know how horrible and gross they are when you start eating them, but you just keep going and don't stop until your tummy really hurts. You then swear them off forever, only to come back and do it again next year." Yes, these are the Easter Peeps of books. Also, in my defense, they are really super easy and fast to read and I have to boogey to get meet my goal. But just indulge me for one minute more about the other two majorly annoying things about these books.

First, they are romance novels with no sex, and hardly any kissing. The dude is a vampire and the chick is a human and allegedly if they do it, he will kill her because he won't be able to control himself and he will suck all of her blood out. As one of my friends put it "If I'm going to read a shitty romance novel, there at least better be some sex". There isn't any in this book because it's written for teenage girls by a Mormon author. I have no doubt that moms are pushing these books on their daughters like crazy. I get why young girls might read these, but grown women reading them and getting all gaga is just weird. And kind of sad.

Secondly, these books are supposed to be about vampires right? And later werewolves too. She does NOT follow the rules at all. This really pisses me off. As a huge fan of the horror genre, there are rules goddammit. You can bend them a little, but she throws out every single vampire rule there is. These guys can go out in the sun, see their reflections, are immune to crosses and garlic, can live off of non-human blood - the blood of animals and whatnot, and can only be killed by other vampires OR werewolves. Laaaaaaaaaaaame. OMG so lame. IF you want to write about vamps, at least try to write about vampires - know what I mean?

Anyway, that's enough about these books. I give them both a poop sandwich, even though I originally rated them a meh. On another note - I almost knit an entire hat last night AND started the second Interview with a Vampire novel - The Vampire Lestat. Rice knows her shit and is a good writer. Oh, and in case you're wondering my reading schedule is as follows;

Vampire Lestat - Anne Rice
Skinny Legs and All - Tom Robbins
Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Lisey's Story - Stephen King (audio)
Microthrils - Wendy Spero (audio)

Peace.